Join Roots!
Podcast host asking a question

Episode 185 - Don't Be Blindsided on Your Finances When it Comes to Relationships!

Welcome to episode #185 of the Debt Free Dad Podcast. If you're in a relationship or
married, and you share your personal finances with your significant other, it's critical 
neither of you is left in the dark about your financial lives. Sadly, relationships don't last,
partners can pass away or get sick and become incapacitated. Both of you should be 
able to pick up the pieces and move forward without the other, but that's not the case in many situations. In today's episode, we will discuss the dynamics of finances in your relationship and what we feel are good practices for every couple.

 

What You'll Learn

  • Are you or your spouse in a position to take over the finances if something happens to the other?
  • Discover what you should both know about your financial life. (Many couples miss this!)
  • Learn what things you should have in place for all of life's unexpected events.

Resources Mentioned

Free Tools and Downloads at www.therealdebtfreedad.com

Connect With Brad

Thanks For Listening

Like what you hear? Please, subscribe on the platform you listen to most: Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Spotify, Tune-In, Stitcher, Google Podcasts, YouTube.

We LOVE feedback, and also helps us grow our podcast! Please leave us an honest review in Apple Podcasts, we read every single one.

Is there someone that you think would benefit from the Debt Free Dad podcast? Please, share this episode with them on your favorite social network!

Episode Transcript: 

Brad:  

Hey everybody, welcome to episode number 185 of the Debt Free Dad Podcast. So if you're in a relationship or you're married and you share your personal finances with your significant other, it's critical neither of you is left in the dark on your financial lives. And heck, even if you keep your finances separate and you're married. It's a good thing that you don't keep yourselves in the dark. Sadly, relationships don't last. Partners can pass away. They can get sick, maybe become incapacitated, and both of you should be able to pick up the pieces and move forward without the other. But that's not the case in many situations. In today's episode, we're gonna be discussing the dynamics of finances in your relationship and what we feel are good practices for every couple in these types of situations. Stay tuned.

Intro:  

You're listening to the Debt Free Dad Podcast with Brad Nelson. Brad and his co-hosts experienced the anxiety of living paycheck to paycheck before learning the fundamentals of financial security. They are now on a mission to empower regular people to pay off their debt for good and enjoy happier, less stressful lives. Keep listening for inspirational interviews, tips, tricks and practical advice to gain financial freedom. And that's it for today. We'll see you next time.

Brad:  

Hey, hey, hey, how is everyone doing today? You can find us on Facebook, tiktok, youtube and Instagram. Just search Brad Nelson, Debt Free Dad and, as always, welcome to today's show. Remember to get all the resources, show notes and links for today's show, you can head over to balancedcents. com/ 185. Again, that's . So, Amber, a while back ago you had brought up the importance of this episode and this conversation that we're about to have, so can you talk a little bit about why you thought this was important?

Amber:  

Oh my gosh. Yeah, I have a friend who gave me permission to share her story. But she was recently separated from her partner and they in the last few years had become debt free. They watched me do it. They were like, oh my gosh, how do we do this? And they went ahead and did it and they were living a debt Free life, or so she thought they had worked really hard to pay off all their debt. They started living on cash and she was letting her partner take care of all the budgeting, paying the bills between the finances of the household and her business. So she had offered to help a few times, get involved, but he was always just like no, it's fine, I'll take care of it, it's fine, I don't want you to get that on your plate. So during their separation she came to realize that he had taken it a loan, without her knowledge, and it was a home and equity line of credit and he had gotten behind on bills like their property taxes, stuff like that, and she was entirely in the dark about it. She had no idea. So after the separation she felt super overwhelmed. She was unsure on how to even get reorganized, start working on stuff, and that was on her personal finances plus her business, like she had all of this stuff that she had to figure out, deal with, get bill accounts, all this kind of stuff after the separation and she was just totally in the dark. She had no idea any of this was going on.

Brad:  

Yeah Well, sadly this is not an uncommon story, unfortunately, you know, and I think there's kind of two things going on. I think there's the this side of it, right, where you really want to be in. You don't want to be in the dark because you want to make sure that this kind of stuff isn't happening right. And then number two, obviously, so you know you can pick up and move on if obviously this relationship doesn't sound like it's working out. Is that correct?

Amber:  

Yeah, they're yeah. Within six months they were divorced and moved on. Okay.

Brad:  

But the other part of this too is just, you know, doesn't necessarily have to be what I would call as financial infidelity. You know, it could also be. You know, something happens to your spouse, right? Maybe they become sick, maybe they become disabled. I've I mean, I've been around so many different situations now running this business and I've seen so many different scenarios kind of pop up where these types of things are happening. And you know, the other person was the one responsible for taking care of the finances. Heck, even when my mom passed away. I'll never forget this. You know we were. This was back in 2007. I mean, so what is that 16 years ago now? Crazy. I remember we flew down all of us flew down to see my dad after she had passed away, and I remember walking into the house. It was that night. We got there and he was like just frantic, because he's like looking for the checkbook, trying to figure out what bills need to be paid, because my mom did it all, like my dad didn't do any of it. And so I remember how stressed he was during that time trying to figure out where everything was. And you know my mom and dad were in a good financial position. It's not like they were hurting or anything, but just the overwhelming amount of stress that he had of trying to kind of navigate something that he's never done before. You know, especially during that time and I've gone through this, obviously, you know, obviously Sarah passed away and you know, but we both knew and I will say that's why I can think this episode is really good, because we both knew everything about our finances. We knew where our accounts were, we had master spreadsheet set up, we had account numbers and you know all of the stuff all in one central location and so that way, if something never happened either one of us, all that information is there. Now, admittedly, I will say, would it have been a little harder for her than it was for me? Yes, I would admit that, but she still would have had everything. Would have taken her a little bit more time probably than it did for me, but she still would have had everything to be able to move forward, cause in our relationship, you know, I took care of a lot of, like, the investing side and those accounts, but she knew where they were and how to access them and how to look at them and all that kind of stuff that she needed to. But I see it all the time though, where one person kind of takes charge of this and you know the other person either is the one choosing not to participate. You know they could be just saying, ah, they handle it, I don't have to deal with it. Right, it's just one less thing I have to handle. But what if something does happen and you need to handle it? And I think that's kind of the point of today's show. So how would you guys feel you guys handle this? Obviously, katie, I know you're single probably haven't had a quite to deal with all this, but maybe have in the past. I don't know. What do you guys think about this? How should this work? Or at least how does this work in your relationships?

Chris:  

I think for us it's been predominant of me doing the work, and we have shared spreadsheets, google sheets, and my wife can see them and she will look at them from time to time. I wish she were a little bit more involved. She has a tendency to wait and pile up the questions and then ask a bunch of them at one time. That's frustrating, but she has access to everything and I think if something were to happen to me, she would probably be very similar to your story in that she could piece her way through it. She's got all the accounts, all the logins, it's all written down, but she'd have to start making some decisions and figuring things out on her own. But I don't keep anything a secret from her.

Brad:  

Right.

Chris:  

And anytime she asks, like I say, these 10 or 15 questions that tend to come at me at once, I answer them all. They're a little frustrating. Tell us how you feel, Chris, yeah it's like, couldn't you have asked that two months ago? Because now you get to log in, you got to go back and it's not easy, but it's not hard either. Okay, it's being petty, I think to some degree.

Brad:  

Okay, I need to know what kind of a question is she asking you. That's annoying.

Chris:  

Okay, recently she's like how much did we have in our investment account when we sold the house last year? How much is in there now? And it's like, really you know?

Amber:  

She wants to see your progress.

Chris:  

Well, that's true, and then I don't have a problem with it. But then it's like another question like that, and then another question like that, and I was like, wow, we're gonna be punched in the face here. But I love her to death and again, I don't keep anything a secret from her. I just wish she would ask these questions a little bit more often. But she could piece it together if she had to. I really think she could. She's got access to everything.

Amber:  

Amber, what about you? Well, for us, I mean Paul would be scared. No, he knows where everything is. He knows he can log into the computer, check the spreadsheets you know, gets into all the bill accounts. It's all in a folder, so he knows where everything is. It would take him a minute because I do most of the stuff. But we have regular date nights where we go over our budget and goals and stuff. So like we kind of talk about stuff then and he'd figure it out yeah.

Brad:  

Do you think he feel the same way, or do you think he would stress them out?

Amber:  

It would stress him out, or he would like let it lapse. I bet you like he would probably miss some bills at first.

Brad:  

Yeah, yeah, because you don't do automatic payments, do you?

Amber:  

No.

Brad:  

Yeah, you don't do those. Okay, I remember that.

Amber:  

I'm a little controlling.

Brad:  

There's actually more people that are like that I don't do them, I do them, I do them.

Kati:  

But yeah, there are definitely people that don't I don't auto pay my cable bill because they always want to jack up the rates like randomly. Every so often I'm like, no, you don't get your money until I've looked at this bill. Yeah.

Brad:  

Yeah, they are notorious for that, Ryan. What about you guys?

Ryan:  

Yeah, I mean I think for us, I mean, when it comes to money, I mean we definitely I wouldn't say secrets in our prior years, but we kind of just had it where I kind of spent what I wanted and did what I wanted for the most part, and she kind of did what she wanted for the most part, and then it was usually like why did you spend this, why did I spend that? And just a lot of fighting and all of that sort of stuff. I mean now we definitely are more on the same page. I mean we've talked about it on other podcasts. You know we have our own money that we get to go, spend and do whatever we want with, but otherwise we have more shared goals. But I'll be honest with you. I mean I probably handle the majority of it and I think if something were to happen, I think we probably should. We probably need to be in a better place to where, if something happened to either one of us, that there's just some sort of more better transition for that, because I do think that it's just it's like, yeah, we really need to do that, but then it's like doesn't become a priority. So yeah we really need to do it, and then it's like, ah, what do you want to watch tonight? You know, it's like it just becomes not important. So I think it we probably need to be do a better job of making sure that we're prepared if something were to happen to one of us. That it's not that it wouldn't be stressful, it's just that we would know what to do and how to do it.

Brad:  

Yeah, yeah, I mean there's definitely. There's like a million other things that you'd rather do than have that Right, then go through and organize that kind of stuff, right, right, but I did, I went through and did this, and not, you know, from a relationship standpoint, but just from, like an estate standpoint, to make Ryan's life easier if I end up croaking one day Because he is the manager of the estate. But yeah, I mean, I got us, you know, safety. What do they call it? What is the little box at the bank called?

Ryan:  

What is it called Safety deposit box?

Brad:  

Safety deposit box. Yeah, and got one of those and have all like the master documents in there and also some funny jokes along the way you know, just because I like to have fun. But yeah, I mean everything's in there, just like it should be spelled out, like we're going to go through here today about here's, where everything is, here's where all the accounts are, here's what we want to have happen, like in everything you know the only reason and it was it sucks, it's not fun. It's not fun to do. It was a tremendous amount of work to put it all together, but, having just gone through it all myself, it was like I just didn't want to leave that burden on somebody else, because it's a lot it really is, and I controlled a lot, like I mean, I had access to everything that was in our financial lives to begin with, and it was still not incredibly easy, you know, to transition over just to me and get things rearranged and all of that kind of stuff. So it's important I think that you know you have some of these instructions at least basic instructions on where things are when the bills come out, when the bills are due life insurance policies, insurance policies, just everything. Just list it and have it available just in case something does happen. So, anyways, what are some tips that you came up here with Amber?

Amber:  

Well, I mean, the biggest tip is just to have clean and open communication and I think that's huge. When you're sharing a life with a partner, you know, have that regular money date nice, we used to do them every month, now we every quarter. You know so, the more you get comfortable with it like now our budget and everything's on autopilot, but just you know sharing if anything changes, if you're going to switch accounts or do something like that's probably what we talked about and shared and then goal for any goals and desires for your money is really important to have those shared goals, but also, like I don't have the same goals as my husband does, so we need to kind of know and respect where each other wouldn't go as well.

Brad:  

Right, right, and I mean, and you have, you guys actually have. Well, you have a similar situation that I've had, because, you know Sarah had a business, you have a business that adds kind of like an extra layer to this. So if you own your own business or you're an entrepreneur or you have side hustles and things like that, you know there's actually even more stuff. I mean, chris, you have an ice cream shop. What would happen there, you think?

Chris:  

Well, it's interesting, you asked that question because there's the TV show Shark Tank and I remember Kevin O'Leary used to always talk about on Shark Tank. Well, what if you got hit by a bus? He would ask people that question. So lately I have one lady who I trust very much, who I began to put her through. What if Chris gets hit by a bus training? We've actually called it that. What do you know what would happen if I got hit by a bus and interestingly enough, is her daytime job as she drives a school bus. So I joke, one day I'm like, wait a minute, I'm putting you through what happens if Chris gets hit by a bus training. But what if you hit me by that with a bus? That'd be ironic, wouldn't it? That's a side tangent. There's obviously how to run the business. I've tried to begin training other people how to do that document a lot of it. That way you could just keep going. But Helen's made it very clear that from a financial perspective she's just gonna sell it as quickly as she can and get out of it, because that's a different topic. She would not be able to come in here and figure out the financial side of it, at least where it is now because, heck, I'm still trying to figure a lot of it out myself.

Brad:  

Right.

Chris:  

But I have begun to think about that is what would happen if something happened to me with this business. You know, to keep it at least running until she could sell it or figure out what to do with it, and so it's kind of a good reminder for me that I need to keep on that journey from the business side of things. And I do wanna point out Amber, you talked about going over goals and desires. I mean, helen and I do that. We share everything. You know sometimes she just doesn't remember a lot of the things because it's not as important to her, but I do like the idea of sort of a quarterly date night. That's probably something we should do just to talk about it a little more. We talk about everything but those shared goals and things we talk about, but probably I should start to include the business in that as well.

Amber:  

Now I've rambled long enough sorry, yeah, no, you know what. It's funny because some of our quarterly date nights are me getting like Paul. Really you need to know these things. Like it's a forced date night on my part.

Kati:  

And I would say for single people too, have if something written down, cause I'm like, oh, I'm listening to all this and I'm like, if something happens to me, who's gonna go through all my stuff, who's gonna know how to get into all my stuff? Cause I don't have somebody that just could log in easily.

Brad:  

Yep, you got it and I got to tell you it is not a very easy thing to do, and it was my spouse that passed away Like think about it being, you know, like just your parents having to do it or somebody else. It's not easy. Lots of work, lots of work.

Amber:  

I say, okay, this is a little cryptic, but I've seen on the news, maybe a few months ago, that people are struggling to get into, like their, their loved ones, phones after they pass and they they actually have to ask and go to their body to get like their fingerprint or something to get into their phone.

Brad:  

Yeah if they don't have their.

Amber:  

Yeah if they don't have a passcode like somebody, somebody you trust should at least have your passcode to get into your things, right Cause they're like they're worried about, like their family photos and it's like stuff like that that are on the phone. They can never get if they don't have that.

Brad:  

Right Yep.

Amber:  

Anyway.

Brad:  

Yep, we uh. Yeah, I mean obviously I had passcode s for all that stuff, so I have to worry about. But that's true. Yeah, it's very true. I mean and and they don't give those passcodes out. I don't think. Um, in fact, I thought that was a big article about this a while back ago. I don't know if this is still the case, but where the FBI would like go to Apple to get passcodes out, they just wouldn't give them to them because they're it's part of the security features of the phone. Um, I don't know if that's still the case or if there's a legal way for them to do that now, but, um, yeah, all things, all things to consider for sure. Um, so I think you know, knowing the details of where to find everything. So, like I said, we, we have just a little box at the bank where everything is for me, um, and same thing with you. I mean, I think I would recommend the same thing for you, katie. I mean, I'm obviously I'm single now and you know all I'm doing is basically just putting all this information out there, for you know Ryan or who you know, the next trustee of Ryan doesn't want to do it. That will come in and be able to take care of a lot of that stuff for us. Um, so, whether you're married or you're single, I mean I think it's all good things. So things like your savings accounts, your checking accounts, any investments that you hold, uh, all of your debts, like, what debts do you have out there? What are the? What are the account numbers? Uh, when do the bills get paid each month? Um, and all of those just details, things like passwords, and I mean just just everything. Uh, anything and everything where you have money coming out from should just be listed in just a simple document and and how they can get into it. Now, I get over time, passwords change and everything. I mean that's obviously an obstacle that I don't think you're going to be able to overcome perfectly. Um, but you know at least. Knowing where everything is, I think, is a great start for a lot of people that might have to go through and start figuring some things out for you. Yeah, I know, go ahead.

Ryan:  

I was going to say I would say too, just um understanding, like the. You know the state you live in and the laws that are around your state when it comes to the certain things, um, you know, certain states have community type property laws, um, especially in the United States here. So you know um, like, if your state isn't in something where to happen, it means different things in different scenarios. So I think, just even understanding that sort of stuff, um, because there could be a false sense of like, oh, we don't have to take care of that, but you still might have you might be surprised what you have to take care of, even if something were to happen to someone else. So I think it's important to understand that.

Brad:  

I like this next part that you you brought up here, amber, um of this is just important, I think, across the board. Um, I see this happen in some relationships where the relationship ends and one person had everything in their name and the other person had literally nothing, and like, let's give you a scenario, let's say it's an abusive relationship and the abuser has everything in their name and the abusee the person that's being abused has nothing in their name, literally has no financial foundation whatsoever to to be able to get out of that situation, find a place to live, find rent or be able to rent um be able to do things on their own, because they have literally not established themselves at all, because the other person has, um pretty much done everything. Now, that might be because that person is an abuser, right? Um? So hopefully that's not your situation, but it's. It's critically important that you don't allow everything to be just in one person's name. Make sure you know both of your names are on whatever bills that you share, especially if you're married, like your utility bills, your cable bills, obviously, your, your mortgage, if that's possible, um, any of those things that you guys have, like you know your water bill, just anything. All of those things should have both of your names on it, so that way, if, for some reason, the relationship does end and you need to move on, you have some sort of history or trade lines, so to speak, that you could show like, hey, I'm paying my bills and this bill is in my name and making sure that you're doing some of those things.

Amber:  

It also allows you to have the proof of residency too, cause, like, sometimes you need that and people like different places will be like where do you live If you don't? Let's say, maybe you don't, you need a license and something else, you don't have any bills in your name. It's going to be really hard to prove that.

Brad:  

Yeah, yeah, absolutely, and kind of like what Ryan was just saying. Last thing I want to share too is just I'm not a big credit score person, like I don't really. You know we don't really talk about credit scores and the importance of credit scores on the shore show, that much. But you know it is important to at least see what's going on in your credit report. So, especially if you're in a situation kind of like what Amber described, opening up the show where if you have someone who has gone through financial invidelity where there's partner or spouse was hiding things I mean, we've definitely have seen here where partners and spouses have taken out debt in the other person's name without the other person knowing about it and if you're not checking those things on a regular basis, you know sometimes those things could get missed whereas opposed to if you're checking your credit report more regularly and it doesn't have to be like you got to check it every week or anything, but if you're checking it regularly, you can at least see what's going on with it and if any accounts have been opened in your name, one thing that you can go to is absolutely free. You go to annualcreditreportcom. You get one free credit report a year. You can download all three from the Bureau's here, at least in the United States. And then we're in Canada. You guys are doing it where.

Amber:  

Yeah, canada, we have like Borough Well, where you can actually check it monthly for free, and it's just an app. And then you could also get your free reports from Trans Union and Equifax and they'll just mail it to you.

Brad:  

Yeah, so we posted this. Go ahead, chris.

Chris:  

I'm sorry, I was going to say. Just my little twist on things is if you're going to do that, don't do all three of it one time. Wait and do one every three months. That way you can sort of keep on track of it, because you get one free credit report from each of the Bureau's and there's three of them. So if you space them out every three months, by the time you're ready for the first one again. It's been a year.

Brad:  

Yeah, that's good advice. Yeah, Thanks for sharing that. We posted this in our group and on our page feedback from people. Ryan, we got any good comments that we want to share about this. You want to go ahead and read the question that we asked in there?

Ryan:  

Yeah. So the question that we asked was if something that happened to you or your partner, would the other be able to handle the daily money responsibilities with little stress or worry Paying bills, knowing accounts, what to do, etc. So I mean we did have someone just very open and honest. You know they had lost their partner a week ago, friday. I just said all they can say is it's not easy. Yeah, you know, doing anything right at the moment is not easy, but this, you know it is not easy to handle. Another one I'm a single mom with no help. So I'm already there. I have trust for my daughter so that if something happens she's taking care of we have some people saying he should. So my calendar planner has all the accounts listed, with logins, calendars filled out when things are due. I mean that would be amazing, yeah, you know to have all that information, but I mean, yeah, it could definitely. I could see that being overwhelming regardless, you know, having all that info. But let me see what else we have. Tons of comments came through here, so just kind of.

Brad:  

Yeah, ivy says I would because I handle all the money. He probably wouldn't know, but he's very smart and could figure it out. My life insurance would cover all the debt and be able to live well for a few years. So Lindsay says I could, but my significant other couldn't.

Amber:  

Yeah, I think that's common right To have like one person primarily doing most of the day to day stuff.

Ryan:  

Yeah.

Amber:  

It's pretty common so.

Brad:  

I mean, I think it is to, and I don't think there's anything really wrong with that, as much as just making sure that the two of you are in the know of what's going on, right, because it's challenging, it's a lot. I was just talking about this on another podcast. I was in your view on here earlier today and we got in this conversation, and when something like this happens, you know it's, it almost becomes like another full time job of trying to get things reorganized and, you know, realigned to this new way of life. You know it's, it's a lot, and if and if you have no involvement whatsoever, I mean, be prepared, it is, it is going to be hell. It really really well, it is not easy at all, as this person who just lost their partner here this past week is saying. So, yep, yeah, super important, all right, guys. So get on it. If you're not talking about your finances and not having those conversations especially those of you who are being a little bit more on the lazy side and let your partner do it all, it's time to step it up a little bit and get back into it. We're going to take a quick commercial break and do celebrations. So the totally awesome debt freedom planner is helping so many people make consistent progress with their finances, whether that be building emergency funds, paying down bills, budgeting, tracking paydays, saving up for larger purchases, goal planning and planning for those irregular yearly expenses that always seem to catch you by surprise. Now the debt freedom planner will help you take the stress out of managing your money, and if the thought is running through your mind, hey, I just need to have a simple tool to get my finances together. Th is planner is perfect for you. Head over to com. Click on the debt freedom planner in the menu at the top of the page and order your debt freedom planner toda y.

Chris:  

Let's talk about debt baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things, all the bad things. That baby let's talk about, that let's talk about.

Amber:  

I checked my debt snowball and I have now paid off $3,802 and 29 cents since June 1. And that's with having the slowest month ever in my side gig. Yeah, that's incredible. That's just in 60 days. 60 days, $3,800 swing in debt paid off. That's awesome Way to go.

Brad:  

Hillary, mary Souther, paid cash for my daughter's new lenses, cash for a dryer. $923 towards debt. $190 to sinking funds. $50 to my Christmas fund. $200 for school clothes. $20 to save for my Roots membership next year. $200 to the health account. August budget is done and most of the bills are already paid for the month and this was celebrated here right at the end of July. Mary, those are incredible wins, fantastic, and talk about being a budgeting rockstar Way to go.

Chris:  

And Patrice Johnson, I met my goal to have three months of expenses saved in my emergency fund.

Brad:  

Yeah, that's incredible, patrice, congratulations to you. She became debt free within one year of joining Roots. That's absolutely crushing it, great job.

Kati:  

Nancy Munoz, I found out bills that I was thinking of paying today. I had already scheduled earlier in the month. One of those auto pay people Just discussed my husband's retirement pension and 401K and we have figured out that we can retire. He will retire in January and I will do two more school years. Way to go.

Brad:  

Thank you, Nancy.

Ryan:  

And Amy Bosch Whitney. Our emergency fund now has $1,000 plus. I have sold over $500 on Facebook Marketplace.

Brad:  

Yeah, that's incredible, amy. Congratulations to you guys and congratulations to all of you guys who are working so hard at reducing financial stress and getting out of debt. And if you're just getting started with our podcast, or maybe you've been listening for some time and you're interested in how you can get started on the road to financial freedom, go visit our website at balancedcents. com and sign up for our free Life Without Payments Workshop, where I'm going to show you the first steps that have helped tens of thousands of people just like you and I kick financial stress and worry for good. We'll see you guys next week.

Intro:  

Thanks for listening to the Debt-Free Dad Podcast. Connect with us on Facebook, tiktok, youtube and Instagram at Brad Nelson Debt-Free Dad. If you found value in today's episode, please leave a rating and review. We so appreciate it. For resources, show notes and links mentioned in today's show, visit balancedcents. com. That's balancedcents. com. We'll catch you next week.